originaljackass | Ch. 8 - The Death and Return of Jack of Fables

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Ch. 8 - The Death and Return of Jack of Fables

[The moment Jack woke up, somewhere out in the woods, his eyes shot open and he reached for his chest, expecting to find a sword sticking out of it. But there wasn't one. More than that, he could see that his fingers... well, he had fingers. No claws. He felt his face and the familiar stubble was there, as was his long hair, and he quickly determined he had a chest and a feet and his Happy Stick is there and not... scaly.

Whew. Load off his mind. It also proves that people really DO revive in Luceti. But he also knows that people LOSE things when they die. The first thing he does is find something sharp enough to cut himself on. He's pleased to see it quickly heal up, nearly instantly, as if the wound had never been there at all. He then finds a boulder and throws it, proving he is indeed super strong still. So he had his looks and power again... but what about his loot? He'd have to go back to the cave later and see if those bastards that killed him hadn't stolen it all.

... thought he wasn't sure if he should bother. Last thing he wanted to do was risk dragon-ing it up again.

So he takes a long, lonely hike to the village and returns home. He grabs a nice button up shirt, a black sports coat and slacks to toss on. So he'd died twice now. Neither time took. And he was looking as good as ever. Now just as long as he didn't turn into a dragon again, he was A-OK.

So the first thing he does is go to the journals.]

[Voice]

Looks like I'm back to the land of the living and I ain't a dragon anymore. How is it that death is the cure for so many afflictions? First order of business - any women out there wanting a roll in the hay? It's been months since I had any. We can make it as romantic as you like, suits me just fine.

Oh. Guess I owe an apology towards certain individuals for any injuries I may have caused during that scuffle. But in my defense? You guys killed me. So don't expect me to feel too guilty about that.

Thirdly... thirdly... I need some cigarettes and a beer. And some painkillers. I also think I've got on hell of a case of phantom limb going here after losing those extra wings... and the tail.

Oh yeah, anyone seen a tiny blue cow running around? I lost track of the thing a few weeks ago.

[Yeah, screw the journal, he's going to the bar to smoke and drink. If he can't have some sex, this will just have to do.]

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Damn! That gold was going to set me for life! [He mutters a few curses under his breath and slouches.]

I better have all that gold when I get back home. That's my whole future right there. [...so he can go through being a dragon all over again, without the happy ending like this one.]

[Jack.

She is going to give you a look. And it is not a nice one.]

Learn through what has happened that greed brings nothing but misery.

[Hey, don't be judging!]

So maybe I could stand to be a little more generous with it next time around. But there's nothing evil about having money, Saber.

Money is useless in this land anyway. I doubt they would be so kind as to take you back home with your gold in tow.

Meh. Figures I'd lose another fortune, all over again, in a place I couldn't even use it.

[Why does his life suck so much?]

[Dying, losing your gold - life is so cruel.]

I'm glad to see you have your priorities in line.

Priority one is back to getting out of here.

[He finishes off his sub... and decides he's too full for that second one.]

Incidentally... that sword of yours? It seemed pretty familiar to me.

[She pauses at what he says and decides to sit up in her bed again. Her head turns to face him, giving him somewhat of a stern look.]

I expected no less. There is a reason why I was granted the wind barrier to make my sword invisible, after all.

[After all, such a famous sword is very easy for anyone to recognize if they see it to a close extent in the open.]

It looks different to the one in my world. [He goes for a meaningful pause there.] But it's unmistakable what sword it is. So how did a pretty thing like you manage to get Excalibur?

How would you think I could manage to get it? I pulled it out of the stone, naturally.

... did that stone happen to look like me, but with black hair?

Ah...no. It was simply an enchanted stone slab, which no one could pull the sword from unless they were deemed the true heir to the kingdom.

[Jack is grateful she didn't actually stop to ask him about that. The fact Jack was temporarily the 'Stone' for the Sword is not a story he likes to retell.]

So... you're Arthur's replacement. Well damn, that's sure progressive for Camelot.

Not a replacement. ...I am Arthur. Or rather Arturia. It is a complicated story.

[A loooong pause ensues.]

So... you used to be a dude? That's... well... [Makes Jack feel better about the fact that he'd mentally equated Saber with 'jailbait' in spite of her immortality.]

[Oh god. She is actually...going to put a palm to her face.]

No Jack. Wipe your indecent thoughts - I was born a woman and I have always been a woman. As I said, it is complicated.

[That gets a flat look.]

Okay... now look, Saber. I know King Arthur, I've met King Arthur, and you miss, are no King Arthur.

[She roughly sighs.]

I knew you wouldn't understand. Not that I really had any expectations for you to. If you want, I will explain myself.

By all means, explain away.

[He's got nothing but time to kill and frankly he can't help but think this will be a good yarn.]

[She nods and begins.]

Back in the Medieval Ages, as most call it, I was born to King Uther and Lady Igraine. I was their only child and a girl. Of course I could not inherit the throne, so before word came out about my birth the king's adviser Merlin took me to live with one of the king's trusted knights, Sir Ector. I was raised there and learned how to fight with swords even.

When I was about sixteen my father passed away and a new heir to the throne was needed. Merlin sealed away a sword, Caliburn, which could only be pulled by the true heir. When many found themselves unable to pull the sword, the kingdom instead decided to host a jousting tournament. While that was going on Merlin approached me for the first time, and told me I was the true heir. He requested I pull the sword out and take my father's place on the throne, and so I did.

[She pauses for a moment and sighs.] Naturally a woman becoming the king of such a large kingdom would bring much strife. The world was not ready for women to have a larger role in society. So, I disguised as a man for my tenure. Only a trusted few, such as Merlin and my political wife Guinevere, knew I was really a woman. History also recorded me as a man for those reasons.

[He frowns. Okay, so it sounds plausible, but...]

I met you- Arthur, whoever. Not only would I be able to smell out a babe like you in disguise, but there's also the fact you're, well-- short.

You might have met "me" in a different world then. History is not always the same in these alternate worlds apparently. [Not that she has much issue with that. She doesn't think she did the best job she could have anyway.] And yes, I am short. Thank you for the reminder.

Hm. Maybe. [Thought that does make him think.]

So that means you don't remember me? Sir Jack, the Giant Killer? Had my own spot at the round table. I scratched my name underneath it when no one was looking.

I recall there being a Giant Killer called Jack. That is how I recognized you when we talked about it previously. However, I never recalled appointing that slayer. In fact, it was more of a tale passed around.

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