Ch. 12 - Hollywood was just waiting for Jack of Fables

[originaljackass]

[Today, Jack Horner returned from his mission feeling rather smug. It was more work than it was worth, but Jack had returned with a set of DVDs for the Jack Tales. He may have lost every cent from the trilogy thanks to that bastard Beast from Fabletown, but he still had the movies and that was all that mattered. So after proudly bragging about them to Buffy at the bar, he plugs the first movie into her DVD player and then positions his journal to provide all of Luceti with a video stream of the first movie:

The Jack Tales I: Jack and the Beanstalk.
((ooc: the above link has info on the movie, a synopsis, and the cast of the movie. If you have questions, you can reply to that post.))

After the three hour movie is over, he turns the journal over to himself.]

That's part one of my life story. Pretty amazing, right? Of course, it was way better in real life, but Hollywood can only do so much. I'll wait 'til I show you the next one, though. Back home, people had to wait a whole year. But I think a month ought to do.

[For non-movie related shenanigans, Jack can be found at Good Spirits at 10PM after the movie is over, serving up drinks and doing general bartender-y type things.]

(OoC: The voice part is open for threadjacking! Feel free to have people talk about the movie to one another or what have you. Jack won't necessarily reply to everything!)

Comments

[Action]

[originaljackass]

Okay, okay. He's a cow. And if you want to name him, go ahead and name him.

[If Jack names him, he'll be expected to remember the name and who has time for that?]

[Action]

[smallsurvivor]

Is.. That really okay? [Giving something a name is pressure. What if she gets it wrong and then it's stuck with a terrible name for the rest of forever?]

[Action]

[originaljackass]

[Given that cow will outlive her by centuries, this is a very legitimate concern. But:] It's not like he's gonna complain about it.

[Action]

[smallsurvivor]

[She spends a moment chewing on her bottom lip.]

Is it all right if we call him Ben?

[Action]

[originaljackass]

Ben? [He thinks very hard about whether he's ever known a Ben and then decides that, no, he can't think of any. This is a good thing.] Yeah, sure. Ben works. I was gonna suggest Bowie, but I hated him in Labyrinth. What an asshole.

Re: [Action]

[smallsurvivor]

[clem's just going to let that reference sail directly over her head the way most of Jack's references do.] Okay! Good. Bens are really important friends. They always try their best.

[Action]

[originaljackass]

I don't think Ben tries at anything. Ever.

[Meanwhile, Babe sat on the shelf still ignoring them. But deep in his mind, he was busy cutting his way through the African safari as a big game hunter, complete with an authentic British accent. The elusive liger was one step ahead of him, but with his stealthy skills, he'd soon conquer the beast.]

[Action]

[smallsurvivor]

I bet he tries a lot! We just don't see it. [Which makes him exactly like her dead friend Ben from back home.] That doesn't mean him less important.

[Action]

[originaljackass]

... right. [This is the prelude to a speech he cannot begin to want to hear about. So he switches gears:] So, what'd you do while I was gone?

[Action]

[smallsurvivor]

I went to school! And then Vanellope glitched us some ice cream. And then [and then they got in a little bit of trouble for something completely unrelated. Clementine silences herself abruptly. That's it, no more to tell. Carry on not noticing, Jack.]

[Action]

[originaljackass]

[He lost interest at 'went to school' so he instead unlatches his briefcase and pulls out a DVD boxset emblazoned with the words: "JACK TALES" and a picture of a man dressed up to look like Jack.]

That's great, Clem. Look what I brought!

[Action]

[smallsurvivor]

[OH COOL not in trouble! Jack's great for not getting harsh when she crosses the line.]

What's that?

[Action]

[originaljackass]

This, kiddo, is the movie trilogy that your Uncle Jack produced. It's about my life story. How I climbed a beanstalk, slayed a bunch of giants, and even killed the Big Bad Wolf. Best of all, it's all 100% true.

[Action]

[smallsurvivor]

You... made a movie? [Clementine assumes this is some kind of home movie thing.]

[Action]

[originaljackass]

I made three movies! The biggest blockbuster hits of all times!

[Action]

[smallsurvivor]

[Blink.]

Okay. [She's just going to let him talk. She'll divide by four sometime later, after she learns division.]

[Action]

[originaljackass]

You're gonna love 'em. I'll show you the first one later. Of course, I'll cover your eyes for the sex scenes.

[Cuz he's a decent kinda guy like that.]

Re: [Action]

[smallsurvivor]

Is it okay for me to watch a movie like that? Maybe it should wait until I'm older.

[Action]

[originaljackass]

Nah, it's only PG-13. It's totally fine for you. Kids your age are watching R-rated movies all the time.

[Action]

[smallsurvivor]

But I'm not 13 yet!

[What. What is this conversation. Clementine's just trying to be good. It shouldn't involve this much fighting.]

[Action]

[originaljackass]

Yeah, but you're close enough. That's good enough in my book. I was fighting giants at your age and the real thing was way more violent than what's in the movie.