originaljackass | Ch. 11 - The return of the amazing and irresistible Jack of Fables

When Jack woke up half naked in the cold, his first thought was FUCK I JUST GOT STABBED.

After patting himself down, he realized he was in all his fleshy wonder. And how. Jack stood up and admired his impressive physique for the first time in years. He was human again! He was attractive! He would kiss someone if he could, but he was by himself. So he settled for kissing his bicep, which somehow managed to stay in shape even while he was being a slothful dragon. God, he loved being a Fable so damn much.

He proceeded to the village, walking barefoot in a winter forest with naught but a white pair of pants on. He didn't shiver or let it bother him. The cold never bothered him and he was enjoying having human flesh to feel anything with. So much better than scales. In fact, he even whistled happily some old tune he only half-remembered. Damn, life was really good sometimes.

First stop in the village was the Clothing Shop. He had no previous garments to look through, because dragons don't wear clothes. Anyway, he wanted to suit up. A man in a suit had power, undeniable power. And besides, he knew how good he looked in one. women couldn't resist. Conveniently, he found his briefcase there as well. So using its infinite capacity for storage, he loaded it up with extra clothes. It would save him a trip later on.

Then he stopped at Seventh Heaven where he ordered, oddly enough, a salad. The thought of meat made him a little nauseous still. He'd been eating cows (and maybe Gary's wife) whole for ten years now. Salad? Salad was friggin' delicious. He even stopped at the Grocery to grab some fruit and was amazed by how good it tasted. He tossed some fruit into his suitcase for later.

At the Smithy, he was just looking for a casual weapon to keep on his person for his own self protection. A knife, really. But he hadn't expected to find Excalibur, the same weapon that impaled him, to be waiting all pretty like for him. Deciding that no one can go wrong with a magic sword, he stuffed it inside his briefcase and moved on.

Last stop was in the evening for Cloud Nine. Time to reclaim the old business. He was really, really hoping it wasn't super lame now. That would suck the joy out of an otherwise perfect day.

[Voice]

Hey Luceti, looking good. Your old pal Jack Horner is back, better than ever. How's it been? Did you miss me? Damn is it good to be back here. Did you guys redecorate? Things look different. Kind of.

Hey Buffy, you still with that second-rate knock off of me? How about we climb in bed and you can slay me next? Or Saber, you could be my Once and Future Fling. Lightning, babe, how about we ignite that spark between us again. Aerith, let me offer some help with your gardening and do some deflowering. Karai, feel free to ninja your way between my sheets at your convenience. Saten, I'd love to explore your dark side, inch by inch. And Nami, you're Luceti's next top model, so just for you, I'll let you do the topping.

Damn, can I just say that I missed you guys? Well, you know, not while I was home. Didn't remember any of you. But holy hell am I glad to be back here again.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Sorry--but no. I don't know who you are, but you obviously haven't been here for over a year.

You can help out here, but I'm not giving you the keys.

Year and a half, from what I hear. But that's not the point. See, a babe named Kay ran the place. Classy woman, her. Always wanted a show at her. But she entrusted it to me. [Okay, she entrusted it to Sanji, who agreed to let Jack run it. But details.] Kind of her dying wish, if you want to get poetic about it. But if you want to stay on the staff, I could always use a janitor.

...That's cute, but the answer's still no. Not when my girl is smiling and there's music to play.

[And it helped him keep focus. There was nothing to steal in Luceti, but this was a project that he could dedicate himself to and still have his free time.]

You are a bastard, you know that? This place is mine. I was here first. Any man with any kind of honor has got to respect dibs. And that's what I've got. Dibs.

[Dibs is at the very heart of the bro code, after all.]

Look in the mirror sometime. Where were you for the past year? This place has had two other managers that I've seen, and they're both gone. No one stepped up to keep this place going smoothly, so I did.

Sorry. I've got it.

Edited 2013-03-05 19:23 (UTC)

[On one hand, he could totally kick this guy's ass. On the other hand, those Blue Losers would probably come and give him hell for it. Or something. They'd call him a thief and run him out of town.

Damn, that pissed him off. Here he was being robbed of his own slice of heaven in Luceti! By this loser with a bad haircut!]

Fine, you win. For now! But don't think this is over! Nobody fucks with Jack Horner!

[He turns to storm out. And then, because he feels like he needs to make a point that he's letting Lupin off easy and that he should take this seriously, he slams the door hard enough to splinter the wood.

Yeah, that'll do the trick.]

Ch. 11 - The return of the amazing and irresistible Jack of Fables

[Action | Cloud Nine]

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