originaljackass | Ch. 11 - The return of the amazing and irresistible Jack of Fables

When Jack woke up half naked in the cold, his first thought was FUCK I JUST GOT STABBED.

After patting himself down, he realized he was in all his fleshy wonder. And how. Jack stood up and admired his impressive physique for the first time in years. He was human again! He was attractive! He would kiss someone if he could, but he was by himself. So he settled for kissing his bicep, which somehow managed to stay in shape even while he was being a slothful dragon. God, he loved being a Fable so damn much.

He proceeded to the village, walking barefoot in a winter forest with naught but a white pair of pants on. He didn't shiver or let it bother him. The cold never bothered him and he was enjoying having human flesh to feel anything with. So much better than scales. In fact, he even whistled happily some old tune he only half-remembered. Damn, life was really good sometimes.

First stop in the village was the Clothing Shop. He had no previous garments to look through, because dragons don't wear clothes. Anyway, he wanted to suit up. A man in a suit had power, undeniable power. And besides, he knew how good he looked in one. women couldn't resist. Conveniently, he found his briefcase there as well. So using its infinite capacity for storage, he loaded it up with extra clothes. It would save him a trip later on.

Then he stopped at Seventh Heaven where he ordered, oddly enough, a salad. The thought of meat made him a little nauseous still. He'd been eating cows (and maybe Gary's wife) whole for ten years now. Salad? Salad was friggin' delicious. He even stopped at the Grocery to grab some fruit and was amazed by how good it tasted. He tossed some fruit into his suitcase for later.

At the Smithy, he was just looking for a casual weapon to keep on his person for his own self protection. A knife, really. But he hadn't expected to find Excalibur, the same weapon that impaled him, to be waiting all pretty like for him. Deciding that no one can go wrong with a magic sword, he stuffed it inside his briefcase and moved on.

Last stop was in the evening for Cloud Nine. Time to reclaim the old business. He was really, really hoping it wasn't super lame now. That would suck the joy out of an otherwise perfect day.

[Voice]

Hey Luceti, looking good. Your old pal Jack Horner is back, better than ever. How's it been? Did you miss me? Damn is it good to be back here. Did you guys redecorate? Things look different. Kind of.

Hey Buffy, you still with that second-rate knock off of me? How about we climb in bed and you can slay me next? Or Saber, you could be my Once and Future Fling. Lightning, babe, how about we ignite that spark between us again. Aerith, let me offer some help with your gardening and do some deflowering. Karai, feel free to ninja your way between my sheets at your convenience. Saten, I'd love to explore your dark side, inch by inch. And Nami, you're Luceti's next top model, so just for you, I'll let you do the topping.

Damn, can I just say that I missed you guys? Well, you know, not while I was home. Didn't remember any of you. But holy hell am I glad to be back here again.

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So do you.

Nuh-uh. Contrary to what you little journal-wide blast implied, I don't enjoy you.

[ she is -- perhaps -- wilfully not recognizing the fact that he could have instead been accusing her of enjoying her own damn self. ]

And yet here you are.

[He's not quite THAT observant. He's too self absorbed for that.]

I'm here to satisfy justice through a very thorough ass-kicking -- [ she said, while sitting demurely next to the man. ] Admittedly, that will be quite enjoyable.

So you're just waiting for me to stand up. Too lazy to pick me up so said ass is presentable for the kicking.

I'm biding my time. It's a whole tactical thing. I don't expect you to understand.

Don't expect me to be all soft now just because of that dragon thing. I'm in great shape. If you'd caught me a few hours ago, you'd have got a chance to see.

Good. I prefer my opponents not to be soft. It's just sad, wiping the floor with some out-of-shape loser.

[ she can't quite help her eyes dropping to his shoulders; his arms; his torso. all well-hidden behind a suit, certainly. but a well-fitting suit. ]

You know, I just got this suit. I'd hate to dirty it up.

I can make it very clean. Barely any blood. I even know a few tricks to avoid bruising, too. Though -- as I recall -- that's not usually much of a long-term problem with you.

I could always strip for you first.

Gee, Jack. [ using his first name was never a good sign. ] If only you'd been here to make that offer a few months ago. I would have jumped at the chance to watch you get frostbite.

Did I ever tell you about the time I was Jack Frost?

...In more detail than a girl could ever want.

[ something about the joys and pitfalls of chilly coitus. ]

Then you should know frost bite isn't a problem I have to worry about.

Death doesn't change that, huh?

This is my second time dying since that happened-- third if you count Saber shanking me here in Luceti.

[ oh look. his count beats hers. one of the few battles buffy's okay with losing. ]

Do you want a medal or something? And the trophy for most deaths goes to...

Mario. If he exists. That guy's dying all the time, though.

I'd almost say there's no way in hell he could, y'know, exist. Only...

[ she glances around the village with a shrug. wasn't that big dinosaur thing in residence, once? mario's big bad?

eh. ]

Was it really through the heart?

Well, I was a pretty big dragon. It was that or through the brain.

[Maybe that means his weakness is his heart. He'll have to make sure he never tests that.]

Surely, though, the brain is easier to get at. [ she glances from jack's head to his chest -- as if imagining him as a dragon and then imagining the feat of slaying him. ]

That was the end with all the fire coming out. Hot as hell. Or so I assumed. I did torch a few guys with it when they came to attack me.

...A few? Gee, you could at least pretend to sound remorseful when you say that.

[ but her argument has little juice. after all, they're talking about guys who were likely trying to kill him right back. ]

Hey, I was minding my own business, not hurting anybody. They all came to attack me for no good reason.

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