Jack Horner (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
originaljackass) wrote2013-03-05 12:07 pm
originaljackass) wrote2013-03-05 12:07 pm
Entry tags:
Ch. 11 - The return of the amazing and irresistible Jack of Fables
When Jack woke up half naked in the cold, his first thought was FUCK I JUST GOT STABBED.
After patting himself down, he realized he was in all his fleshy wonder. And how. Jack stood up and admired his impressive physique for the first time in years. He was human again! He was attractive! He would kiss someone if he could, but he was by himself. So he settled for kissing his bicep, which somehow managed to stay in shape even while he was being a slothful dragon. God, he loved being a Fable so damn much.
He proceeded to the village, walking barefoot in a winter forest with naught but a white pair of pants on. He didn't shiver or let it bother him. The cold never bothered him and he was enjoying having human flesh to feel anything with. So much better than scales. In fact, he even whistled happily some old tune he only half-remembered. Damn, life was really good sometimes.
First stop in the village was the Clothing Shop. He had no previous garments to look through, because dragons don't wear clothes. Anyway, he wanted to suit up. A man in a suit had power, undeniable power. And besides, he knew how good he looked in one. women couldn't resist. Conveniently, he found his briefcase there as well. So using its infinite capacity for storage, he loaded it up with extra clothes. It would save him a trip later on.
Then he stopped at Seventh Heaven where he ordered, oddly enough, a salad. The thought of meat made him a little nauseous still. He'd been eating cows (and maybe Gary's wife) whole for ten years now. Salad? Salad was friggin' delicious. He even stopped at the Grocery to grab some fruit and was amazed by how good it tasted. He tossed some fruit into his suitcase for later.
At the Smithy, he was just looking for a casual weapon to keep on his person for his own self protection. A knife, really. But he hadn't expected to find Excalibur, the same weapon that impaled him, to be waiting all pretty like for him. Deciding that no one can go wrong with a magic sword, he stuffed it inside his briefcase and moved on.
Last stop was in the evening for Cloud Nine. Time to reclaim the old business. He was really, really hoping it wasn't super lame now. That would suck the joy out of an otherwise perfect day.
[Voice]
Hey Luceti, looking good. Your old pal Jack Horner is back, better than ever. How's it been? Did you miss me? Damn is it good to be back here. Did you guys redecorate? Things look different. Kind of.
Hey Buffy, you still with that second-rate knock off of me? How about we climb in bed and you can slay me next? Or Saber, you could be my Once and Future Fling. Lightning, babe, how about we ignite that spark between us again. Aerith, let me offer some help with your gardening and do some deflowering. Karai, feel free to ninja your way between my sheets at your convenience. Saten, I'd love to explore your dark side, inch by inch. And Nami, you're Luceti's next top model, so just for you, I'll let you do the topping.
Damn, can I just say that I missed you guys? Well, you know, not while I was home. Didn't remember any of you. But holy hell am I glad to be back here again.
After patting himself down, he realized he was in all his fleshy wonder. And how. Jack stood up and admired his impressive physique for the first time in years. He was human again! He was attractive! He would kiss someone if he could, but he was by himself. So he settled for kissing his bicep, which somehow managed to stay in shape even while he was being a slothful dragon. God, he loved being a Fable so damn much.
He proceeded to the village, walking barefoot in a winter forest with naught but a white pair of pants on. He didn't shiver or let it bother him. The cold never bothered him and he was enjoying having human flesh to feel anything with. So much better than scales. In fact, he even whistled happily some old tune he only half-remembered. Damn, life was really good sometimes.
First stop in the village was the Clothing Shop. He had no previous garments to look through, because dragons don't wear clothes. Anyway, he wanted to suit up. A man in a suit had power, undeniable power. And besides, he knew how good he looked in one. women couldn't resist. Conveniently, he found his briefcase there as well. So using its infinite capacity for storage, he loaded it up with extra clothes. It would save him a trip later on.
Then he stopped at Seventh Heaven where he ordered, oddly enough, a salad. The thought of meat made him a little nauseous still. He'd been eating cows (and maybe Gary's wife) whole for ten years now. Salad? Salad was friggin' delicious. He even stopped at the Grocery to grab some fruit and was amazed by how good it tasted. He tossed some fruit into his suitcase for later.
At the Smithy, he was just looking for a casual weapon to keep on his person for his own self protection. A knife, really. But he hadn't expected to find Excalibur, the same weapon that impaled him, to be waiting all pretty like for him. Deciding that no one can go wrong with a magic sword, he stuffed it inside his briefcase and moved on.
Last stop was in the evening for Cloud Nine. Time to reclaim the old business. He was really, really hoping it wasn't super lame now. That would suck the joy out of an otherwise perfect day.
[Voice]
Hey Luceti, looking good. Your old pal Jack Horner is back, better than ever. How's it been? Did you miss me? Damn is it good to be back here. Did you guys redecorate? Things look different. Kind of.
Hey Buffy, you still with that second-rate knock off of me? How about we climb in bed and you can slay me next? Or Saber, you could be my Once and Future Fling. Lightning, babe, how about we ignite that spark between us again. Aerith, let me offer some help with your gardening and do some deflowering. Karai, feel free to ninja your way between my sheets at your convenience. Saten, I'd love to explore your dark side, inch by inch. And Nami, you're Luceti's next top model, so just for you, I'll let you do the topping.
Damn, can I just say that I missed you guys? Well, you know, not while I was home. Didn't remember any of you. But holy hell am I glad to be back here again.
[voice]
[voice]
[Yes, yes it is. Jack is right here. It would be better for Loki if he was named William or Luke.]
Please enlighten me.
[voice]
[voice]
I see.
And why are Steve and Frank normal names? An Bob and John are not? And what about Patrick, or Richard, or Adam, or Craig, or Billy, or Will?
What about those?
Are French names that bad?
[voice]
[voice]
But I am sure you were not referring to the land of France. Not at all.
[voice]
[voice]
But I remember France.
[And that big tower and there were cards too but those memories are vague. Like a lot of his memories are, actually.]
I do not remember the women.
[voice]
... well, hopefully, anyway.
[voice]
[Loki remains silent for a while.]
You should seek out Kirk of the Enterprise. He an expert in wooing maidens and bedding them after wooing. And bragging about it. The bragging is important.
[voice]
[voice]
[Loki snorts softly.]
Well, Jack Hornier, it has been an absolute pleasure to talk to you. And I truly hope you manage to ignite Lightning's spark.
[voice]