Ch. 13 - There's no dating service quite like Jack of Fables

[originaljackass]

[Voice - Locked to Women]

Ladies, Jack Horner here. You may have seen my movie. If not, I work at Good Spirits, the local and only bar. We run a classy joint, but it's come to my attention that my good friend and fellow server of alcoholic beverages, has been going through a rough patch. This man has been going for far too long without a good and proper fucking. The man has no girlfriend and yet he continues to serve your drinks with no complaints. Oh sure, he's constantly scowling and he's about as pleasant as a cactus, but the point is: this man is rendering a service without asking for anything in return.

So I ask you ladies, who will take one for the team and give this man some action? Sure, he's sort of plain looking and in desperate need of a haircut, but he's not that bad. I mean, here, let me show you a picture.

[The video pans to a picture Jack managed to obtain that displays Asch the Bloody. See how sad he looks? How desperate he is for some action?]

This man's name is Asch. And he needs you.

Oh, for the record, I wouldn't be against a little extra action thrown my way. Not that I'm desperate or anything. Far from it. Just thought I'd offer.

Comments

[smallsurvivor]

But that's not fair!

[originaljackass]

No, but that's the burden of childhood.

[smallsurvivor]

That's a dumb burden.

[originaljackass]

Nobody sail childhood was easy. I used to have to climb the huge hill, every day, just to bring a bucket of water to my mom. Now that was a burden. Hell, one day my best friend pushed me down the hill and I cracked my head open on a rock. I was stuck in bed for two weeks after that.

[smallsurvivor]

Are you just making that up?

[originaljackass]

No way, that totally happened. There's even a rhyme about it.

[Which baffles Jack. He's remembered for a lot of things, but a head injury doesn't quite seem to be something to make that big of a deal about.]

[smallsurvivor]

The one about Jack and Jill?

[originaljackass]

It's a shame Jill isn't here. She's a hottie.

[smallsurvivor]

Does she give good fucking?

1/2

[originaljackass]

[originaljackass]

Yes. Yes she does.

[smallsurvivor]

Well then it's sad she's not here! She could help your friend.

[originaljackass]

She'd sure be more willing to give than the women around here.

[smallsurvivor]

Really? But it's so easy to give out! It doesn't cost anything.

[originaljackass]

Exactly. It's even enjoyable. But people make it out to be a bigger deal than it is.

[smallsurvivor]

And only grownup women can give them out? They must be special on your world!

[originaljackass]

It's true. Grown up women give unforgettable hugs.

[smallsurvivor]

How long until I can give out hugs like that?

[originaljackass]

[Jack gapes at that very concept, then cringes.]

Uh. How old are you again?

[smallsurvivor]

Nine!

[originaljackass]

[Nine. Nine plus nine is eighteen. So...]

About twenty years. At least.

[smallsurvivor]

What?


But that's forever!

[originaljackass]

Don't worry. They'll breeze by before you know it. Just as long as you get your first adult... hug before you're thirty, you're doing alright.

[smallsurvivor]

But that's double my whole life! I'll be dead before then!


[She hasn't learned her times tables yet. Please pardon her math.]

[originaljackass]

[It's okay, his math isn't exactly stellar either.]

Not if you stick with me. When I'm around, people only die if I want them to.