Ch. 13 - There's no dating service quite like Jack of Fables

[originaljackass]

[Voice - Locked to Women]

Ladies, Jack Horner here. You may have seen my movie. If not, I work at Good Spirits, the local and only bar. We run a classy joint, but it's come to my attention that my good friend and fellow server of alcoholic beverages, has been going through a rough patch. This man has been going for far too long without a good and proper fucking. The man has no girlfriend and yet he continues to serve your drinks with no complaints. Oh sure, he's constantly scowling and he's about as pleasant as a cactus, but the point is: this man is rendering a service without asking for anything in return.

So I ask you ladies, who will take one for the team and give this man some action? Sure, he's sort of plain looking and in desperate need of a haircut, but he's not that bad. I mean, here, let me show you a picture.

[The video pans to a picture Jack managed to obtain that displays Asch the Bloody. See how sad he looks? How desperate he is for some action?]

This man's name is Asch. And he needs you.

Oh, for the record, I wouldn't be against a little extra action thrown my way. Not that I'm desperate or anything. Far from it. Just thought I'd offer.

Comments

[originaljackass]

I figured. Business as usual, then.

[herotypical]

Unless...

[originaljackass]

... unless?

[herotypical]

I bet you couldn't go a week putting others before yourself. Not the big selfless gestures; I'm talking about tact and respect and not prescribing foolish answers to other people's problems. I'm talking about thinking with your brain instead of your other organ. And about holding a door open not 'cause you wanna score points with a hottie, but because it's the nice thing to do. Grossness -- outside the normal bounds of humour -- will not be tolerated.

But give me some glaring flaw of my own to iron out for a week and I'll win. Hell, I'd survive a whole month. You name it; I'll fix it. [ ... ] Within reason.

[originaljackass]

[That's all some pretty harsh guidelines. He cannot imagine himself doing any of those things, but by the same token, he doesn't want to just give up on it. So now he just has to think of something to pick out for her that would work. Something that seems like he's taking seriously, but that she'd never go for. Hm.]

Fine. But you gotta do the opposite. You go a month not trying to be Miss Perfect all the time. Say what you want, do what you can to get whatever you want, and don't lift a finger to help anyone. Also, no being all high and mighty like you're the expert on right and wrong. If you think someone is doing something wrong? You gotta keep it to yourself. And don't be afraid to flirt a little. Maybe indulge in some vulgar humor.

[herotypical]

First of all, I wouldn't call those things flaws. But...

[ sigh. would it be worth it just to see a change in horner? to perhaps give him a taste of doing the decent thing on a more regular basis? certainly, it might be better for clem... ]

Fine. Only I draw the line at flirtation and we can start once my pirate's back to his old self. I think if I tried to pull a Jekyll and Hyde on him right now, he'd have a nervous breakdown.

[originaljackass]

[... well shit. She's going for it. Well, maybe he can make it. But there needs to be stakes.]

Fine. But just as long as I'm allowed to flirt still. I can't be expected to deprive the babes of Luceti a shot at some time with me. [A beat.] So what do I get if I win?

[herotypical]

...It's not a competition. It's a challenge. You win the satisfaction of having done it. Y'know, like running a marathon or eating a whole pizza.

[originaljackass]

I can't say I'm feeling much incentive to follow through.

[herotypical]

[ it's gonna be a whole other battle to decide on incentive, isn't it? ]

If you win? I'll put in a good word for you with your person of choice -- no questions asked. One act of vouching for your sorry ass.

[ she makes the offer on the assumption that reputation means something to horner. and some day, he might need a well-received veteran to lend her stamp of approval. because dammit if he wasn't right and she did care a fair bit for him. ]

[originaljackass]

Well, that's not much, is it? But fine. If you win, I'll drop 'pumpkin'.

[Reluctantly, really. He'd just have to find a new way to annoy her. That should be easy.]

1/3

[herotypical]

You'd do that? You'd drop it?

[ almost about to argue... ]

2/3

[herotypical]

[ wait a tick, summers! you can't seriously be thinking about asking him to pick a different reward. that's...

stupid. foolish. reckless. silly. ]

3/3

[herotypical]

Perfect. Couldn't have asked for a better brass ring.

[originaljackass]

Alright then. It's a deal. You be sure to let me know when your Jack is less of a nerd.

[herotypical]

...It'll be sooner rather than later, I hope. [ does she sound impatient? 'cause she certainly feels impatient. ]

[originaljackass]

In that case, let me know when I have to start the Dudley Do Right routine.

[herotypical]

You would look decent in red serge. And one of those funny hats.

[originaljackass]

Buffy, pumpkin. That's because I look good in anything.

[herotypical]

Lederhosen. No one looks good in lederhosen.

[originaljackass]

[Jack had to consider that carefully.]

I could manage it. But you'd manage it even better.

[herotypical]

Not for all the chocolate in Switzerland.

[originaljackass]

You know those New Feather parties that come around every so often? Well if October rolls around and you and I are both here, we're going to one up those lame parties with some good old booze-guzzling Oktoberfest fun. Then we'll see you in lederhosen.

[herotypical]

Oh? And what makes you think I'll accept such a...gross invitation?

[originaljackass]

You won't be able to resist.