Ch. 11 - The return of the amazing and irresistible Jack of Fables

[originaljackass]

When Jack woke up half naked in the cold, his first thought was FUCK I JUST GOT STABBED.

After patting himself down, he realized he was in all his fleshy wonder. And how. Jack stood up and admired his impressive physique for the first time in years. He was human again! He was attractive! He would kiss someone if he could, but he was by himself. So he settled for kissing his bicep, which somehow managed to stay in shape even while he was being a slothful dragon. God, he loved being a Fable so damn much.

He proceeded to the village, walking barefoot in a winter forest with naught but a white pair of pants on. He didn't shiver or let it bother him. The cold never bothered him and he was enjoying having human flesh to feel anything with. So much better than scales. In fact, he even whistled happily some old tune he only half-remembered. Damn, life was really good sometimes.

First stop in the village was the Clothing Shop. He had no previous garments to look through, because dragons don't wear clothes. Anyway, he wanted to suit up. A man in a suit had power, undeniable power. And besides, he knew how good he looked in one. women couldn't resist. Conveniently, he found his briefcase there as well. So using its infinite capacity for storage, he loaded it up with extra clothes. It would save him a trip later on.

Then he stopped at Seventh Heaven where he ordered, oddly enough, a salad. The thought of meat made him a little nauseous still. He'd been eating cows (and maybe Gary's wife) whole for ten years now. Salad? Salad was friggin' delicious. He even stopped at the Grocery to grab some fruit and was amazed by how good it tasted. He tossed some fruit into his suitcase for later.

At the Smithy, he was just looking for a casual weapon to keep on his person for his own self protection. A knife, really. But he hadn't expected to find Excalibur, the same weapon that impaled him, to be waiting all pretty like for him. Deciding that no one can go wrong with a magic sword, he stuffed it inside his briefcase and moved on.

Last stop was in the evening for Cloud Nine. Time to reclaim the old business. He was really, really hoping it wasn't super lame now. That would suck the joy out of an otherwise perfect day.

[Voice]

Hey Luceti, looking good. Your old pal Jack Horner is back, better than ever. How's it been? Did you miss me? Damn is it good to be back here. Did you guys redecorate? Things look different. Kind of.

Hey Buffy, you still with that second-rate knock off of me? How about we climb in bed and you can slay me next? Or Saber, you could be my Once and Future Fling. Lightning, babe, how about we ignite that spark between us again. Aerith, let me offer some help with your gardening and do some deflowering. Karai, feel free to ninja your way between my sheets at your convenience. Saten, I'd love to explore your dark side, inch by inch. And Nami, you're Luceti's next top model, so just for you, I'll let you do the topping.

Damn, can I just say that I missed you guys? Well, you know, not while I was home. Didn't remember any of you. But holy hell am I glad to be back here again.

Comments

[originaljackass]

Being a dragon sucks, Buffy. They look cool on TV, but there is nothing good about dragons. At all.

[He finishes off the last strawberry and for a moment looks disappointed. Damn, he was enjoying those.]

Anyway, I'm staying off gold. No more money for me. Besides, this is Luceti. So I don't need it anyway. I'm going to make myself comfortable, relax, find myself some women, and live the good life from now on.

[herotypical]

I think I've forgotten what having money is even like, to be honest...

[ not the point. so not the point. she crosses her arms loosely over her chest and pushes the conversation forward: ] But that almost sounds like a half-decent retirement plan. Kinda. [ the some women part makes her frown. ]

Leave it to dying to change your priorities, I guess.

[ mostly, she wants to figure out whether he'd been serious about that. ]

[originaljackass]

Retirement. Yeah. Good thinking. I'm officially retired. But hey, check out the souvenir.

[He sets his briefcase on the ground and then cracks it open and reaches inside. He then pulls out a majestically ornate sword from inside in a ridiculous Mary Poppins fashion from a briefcase not nearly large enough to contain it.]

Excalibur. Not bad, right? The Mallies must've plucked it out of me when I showed up.

[herotypical]

Oh my God. [ she's impressed. this is a good start.

only she's less impressed by the sword and much more impressed by the briefcase. holy heck. ] How did it even fit in there? I smell a spell.

[ she hooks a finger 'round the briefcases edge, ignoring excalibur altogether. whatever. she's already met freaking king arthur, okay? that sword's old news. ]

[originaljackass]

Beats me. I didn't do any magic to it. One day it just started holding more stuff.

[He slides the sword back in there and snaps the briefcase shut. He's rather protective of it.]

[herotypical]

[ she reclaims her fingers just in time, wincing briefly as the snap occurs. ]

...Just like that? Gimme a break.

[originaljackass]

Yeah. It happened after my big movie trilogy. My popularity probably rubbed off on it.

[Oh! He suddenly jerks his head towards the stores.]

Man, I wonder if my movies showed up this time. I never got a chance to watch the third movie. I mean, not the theatrical version. The one I saw didn't have the special effects and stuff.

[herotypical]

I see it's just the money you're giving up. Not the inflated ego that went with it.

[originaljackass]

Don't knock 'em 'til you've seen 'em, pumpkin. Those movies are classics.

[herotypical]

Did they win even one single Oscar?

[originaljackass]

[He snorts.]

They snubbed us for everything but effects. Those assholes won't acknowledge a movie unless it's some sappy story about a deadbeat living life. But the movies won where it counted, at the box office. Highest grossing movies of all time. That's a fact.

[herotypical]

Old loves die hard. Hear that? I think that was the sound of the dollar signs clicking away behind your eyes.

[originaljackass]

I just enjoy quality movies. That's all.

[herotypical]

...You enjoy yourself.

[originaljackass]

So do you.

[herotypical]

Nuh-uh. Contrary to what you little journal-wide blast implied, I don't enjoy you.

[ she is -- perhaps -- wilfully not recognizing the fact that he could have instead been accusing her of enjoying her own damn self. ]

[originaljackass]

And yet here you are.

[He's not quite THAT observant. He's too self absorbed for that.]

[herotypical]

I'm here to satisfy justice through a very thorough ass-kicking -- [ she said, while sitting demurely next to the man. ] Admittedly, that will be quite enjoyable.

[originaljackass]

So you're just waiting for me to stand up. Too lazy to pick me up so said ass is presentable for the kicking.

[herotypical]

I'm biding my time. It's a whole tactical thing. I don't expect you to understand.

[originaljackass]

Don't expect me to be all soft now just because of that dragon thing. I'm in great shape. If you'd caught me a few hours ago, you'd have got a chance to see.

[herotypical]

Good. I prefer my opponents not to be soft. It's just sad, wiping the floor with some out-of-shape loser.

[ she can't quite help her eyes dropping to his shoulders; his arms; his torso. all well-hidden behind a suit, certainly. but a well-fitting suit. ]

[originaljackass]

You know, I just got this suit. I'd hate to dirty it up.

[herotypical]

I can make it very clean. Barely any blood. I even know a few tricks to avoid bruising, too. Though -- as I recall -- that's not usually much of a long-term problem with you.

[originaljackass]

I could always strip for you first.