originaljackass | Ch. 13 - There's no dating service quite like Jack of Fables

[Voice - Locked to Women]

Ladies, Jack Horner here. You may have seen my movie. If not, I work at Good Spirits, the local and only bar. We run a classy joint, but it's come to my attention that my good friend and fellow server of alcoholic beverages, has been going through a rough patch. This man has been going for far too long without a good and proper fucking. The man has no girlfriend and yet he continues to serve your drinks with no complaints. Oh sure, he's constantly scowling and he's about as pleasant as a cactus, but the point is: this man is rendering a service without asking for anything in return.

So I ask you ladies, who will take one for the team and give this man some action? Sure, he's sort of plain looking and in desperate need of a haircut, but he's not that bad. I mean, here, let me show you a picture.

[The video pans to a picture Jack managed to obtain that displays Asch the Bloody. See how sad he looks? How desperate he is for some action?]

This man's name is Asch. And he needs you.

Oh, for the record, I wouldn't be against a little extra action thrown my way. Not that I'm desperate or anything. Far from it. Just thought I'd offer.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

What, you want me to cover stuff like war, love, and using the toilet? Because the three of those fit in pretty well under dirty, sex, and crass.

Sex is part of love, not the other way around.

[She's just going to ignore those other two for now.]

And yet they call it love making.

Because it sounds nicer.

Well you know what? I've been around for a pretty long time now. More than most people around here. I think I know what I'm talking about.

...Did you really just use 'I'm older than you' to win an argument?

Life is the sum of your experiences. And I have a ton. Don't be upset that you're still trying to figure things out.

That still doesn't make you right.

No, but it does disqualify you from deciding that.

Except that you're wrong. And going 'I'm older' doesn't make you any less wrong than you already are.

Well aren't you just a little miss know it all. And just how exactly did you get so wise to the world?

[She rolls her eyes.]

I'm only saying that you haven't actually proven your point in any way.

Hey, you haven't unproven it either.

[She's not even precisely certain what they were arguing about initially, at this point.]

...Anyway. Has your crass attempt actually accomplished anything?

I'm meeting new and unexciting people. Always a treat.

...So was that the point, and not your...stated reason?

No, my original reason? Not working out so much. There's not a woman with the decency in her heart to give the poor sap a chance.

You didn't ask them to give him a chance, you asked them to sleep with him.

Exactly. And if the situations were reversed and there was someone asking to sleep with a lonely woman, I'd take one for the team. Even if she was only a six. And Asch is at least a seven, so I'm not asking for any big concessions here.

Most women won't sleep with someone just because you think it will cheer him up.

Even if you're vulgar enough to do it if the situation were reserved. Which...is nonsense.

I've known women that would. It's a shame there don't seem to be any here. I gotta say, the Suits have let me down. I thought they had a variety in this bunch, but it doesn't seem to be the case.

Why don't you try to just get him a date with someone instead.

Because I like the guy. I wouldn't demean him by setting him up on some blind date. It'd make it seem like he couldn't do it himself.

But isn't this worse than that.

Nah. It's just sex.

[video]

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[video] Nobody saw that,

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