originaljackass | Ch. 13 - There's no dating service quite like Jack of Fables

[Voice - Locked to Women]

Ladies, Jack Horner here. You may have seen my movie. If not, I work at Good Spirits, the local and only bar. We run a classy joint, but it's come to my attention that my good friend and fellow server of alcoholic beverages, has been going through a rough patch. This man has been going for far too long without a good and proper fucking. The man has no girlfriend and yet he continues to serve your drinks with no complaints. Oh sure, he's constantly scowling and he's about as pleasant as a cactus, but the point is: this man is rendering a service without asking for anything in return.

So I ask you ladies, who will take one for the team and give this man some action? Sure, he's sort of plain looking and in desperate need of a haircut, but he's not that bad. I mean, here, let me show you a picture.

[The video pans to a picture Jack managed to obtain that displays Asch the Bloody. See how sad he looks? How desperate he is for some action?]

This man's name is Asch. And he needs you.

Oh, for the record, I wouldn't be against a little extra action thrown my way. Not that I'm desperate or anything. Far from it. Just thought I'd offer.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

So what? I'll use it when I want.

If you want. But I tell you, Win. This town is hopeless. You'd think somebody would have the decency to throw the poor guy a bone.

Do you even know if this guy wants this?

Trust me, Win. I know. I could see it in his eyes. A sad and lonely desperation for female companionship. I've seen it many times. It's heartbreaking.

You know what, Jack? Why don't you sleep with him since nobody else will?

Don't be ridiculous. He's not into guys. Neither am I.

How do you know? Did you ask him?

I know. I've seen his eyes wander when a chesty lady walks into the bar. The man is not subtle at all.

[Jack is just making this up as he goes. He's never paid that much attention to Asch to know.]

He must be so glad you're looking out for him. I mean it's not like he'd want a relationship or anything beforehand.

Nah, he's not the relationship time. He prefers to be angry and broody.

Angry broods can still have relationships.

But does anyone want them to?

... I do, as you can see. If a woman wants to relationship it up with him, more power to her.

[LARGE SIGH.]

I just think you might be sticking your nose in where it's not wanted!

Have a little faith in your old uncle Jack, Win. I know what I'm doing.

Oh, so you're my uncle now.

It's better than Papa Jack, right?

Definitely better than that.

Good. I'm not too crazy about fatherhood anyway.

Yeah. I've... known that.

[Was that a twinge of sadness he detected?]

You're not trying to make this into a moment, are you?

Of course not! Who would want a moment with you?

It just seemed like a moment. As if you were all sad and reluctant.

No, I just think it's weird that I know you, but I don't really know you. I know a different you, who is similar to this you.

[It's all the same person, she knows, but knowing "experiment Jack" doesn't mean she knows him well enough to call out "Real Jack."]

Well, I'll make it simple for you, Win. Just imagine that other me, now imagine him ten times more incredible. Now you know the real me.

I think your definition of incredible might be different than mine.

[Voice]

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