originaljackass | Ch. 13 - There's no dating service quite like Jack of Fables

[Voice - Locked to Women]

Ladies, Jack Horner here. You may have seen my movie. If not, I work at Good Spirits, the local and only bar. We run a classy joint, but it's come to my attention that my good friend and fellow server of alcoholic beverages, has been going through a rough patch. This man has been going for far too long without a good and proper fucking. The man has no girlfriend and yet he continues to serve your drinks with no complaints. Oh sure, he's constantly scowling and he's about as pleasant as a cactus, but the point is: this man is rendering a service without asking for anything in return.

So I ask you ladies, who will take one for the team and give this man some action? Sure, he's sort of plain looking and in desperate need of a haircut, but he's not that bad. I mean, here, let me show you a picture.

[The video pans to a picture Jack managed to obtain that displays Asch the Bloody. See how sad he looks? How desperate he is for some action?]

This man's name is Asch. And he needs you.

Oh, for the record, I wouldn't be against a little extra action thrown my way. Not that I'm desperate or anything. Far from it. Just thought I'd offer.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

And how do you think they get in there?

I just thought they showed up in a mother's stomach when two people are ready to start a family. Is that not...right?

Alright, let me break it down for you, kiddo. First off, babies do come from the mom, sure. That's because mama is full of all these eggs just waiting to become babies, but they don't turn into babies unless papa shoots some of his sticky white seed in her. But the only way to do that is if he puts his penis-- [He pauses as he realizes that this girl may have never seen a guy naked.]

You know what that is, right?

[ There is a whole lot of strange plant imagery going on in her head. And what's this about eggs? She is like 99% sure she doesn't have eggs in her. ]

Um...no. Is it bread?

... no. [Groan.] Have you seen a guy naked before?

Edited 2013-05-20 03:18 (UTC)

Nope!

[ What, were they hiding something? Penises?? ]

[Jack has a lot of considerations running through his mind. He's not a good artist and he doesn't exactly feel inclined to just show her one. Time to use words.]

Well, I'm about to blow your mind. Guys have these dangly bits sticking out instead of a vagina like you do. That's the penis. And when they get themselves good and properly worked up with the right kind of thinking, that dangly bit spews out the sticky white seed I mentioned. The only way to get that to a woman's eggs is for the penis to go inside the vagina. Multiple times.

And it feels awesome.

[ Rapunzel takes a moment to give herself a once-over.

She's looking for her vagina. ]

That's...it? [ Strangely anticlimactic for creating babies, one of the most amazing things she could think of. ] Oooookay.

... more or less. It's more exciting than it sounds.

[Though he's dubious over whether she even got it.]

Right...but you really think that would make Asch feel better?

Sure it would. But probably not with you. He'd want someone more experienced.

[ r u d e ]

I suppose that makes sense.

You seem like a good kid, though. What's your name?

I'm Rapunzel. It's nice to meet you, Jack.

[ She...thinks. ]

[... wait a second.]

Let me guess. You were named after the princess with the long hair?

Actually, I am the princess with the long hair.

...Or, at least, I was. Hair cut.

Just now? [Because with her hair that short, it's the only explanation. Granted, he knows this isn't the Rapunzel he knows. Unless it's one from a long, long, long time ago. But the face doesn't seem quite right for that. Much less the hair color.]

Um...it was over a month ago, actually.

And it's not all grown back?

No. It won't, either.

So you're not really Rapunzel, then.

[ bitch she might be ]

What? Of course I am!

Listen, I know Rapunzel. She's a good friend of mine. And I know how her hair works. That woman gets six haircuts a day just so she can fit in. And she's a blonde.

She must be a different Rapunzel than me. [ Obviously. ] My hair used to be long and blonde, but when it's cut, it doesn't grow back. I really am who I say, though.

... so you're some Mundy knock off. Figures.

[He's somewhat disappointed. He'd been vaguely hoping that just maybe she was actually his Rapunzel, a few years earlier. It'd be someone familiar. And way better than Boy Blue.]

voice;

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