Ch. 13 - There's no dating service quite like Jack of Fables

[originaljackass]

[Voice - Locked to Women]

Ladies, Jack Horner here. You may have seen my movie. If not, I work at Good Spirits, the local and only bar. We run a classy joint, but it's come to my attention that my good friend and fellow server of alcoholic beverages, has been going through a rough patch. This man has been going for far too long without a good and proper fucking. The man has no girlfriend and yet he continues to serve your drinks with no complaints. Oh sure, he's constantly scowling and he's about as pleasant as a cactus, but the point is: this man is rendering a service without asking for anything in return.

So I ask you ladies, who will take one for the team and give this man some action? Sure, he's sort of plain looking and in desperate need of a haircut, but he's not that bad. I mean, here, let me show you a picture.

[The video pans to a picture Jack managed to obtain that displays Asch the Bloody. See how sad he looks? How desperate he is for some action?]

This man's name is Asch. And he needs you.

Oh, for the record, I wouldn't be against a little extra action thrown my way. Not that I'm desperate or anything. Far from it. Just thought I'd offer.

Comments

[originaljackass]

If you say so. At least he doesn't talk like the other pigs I know.

[herotypical]

[ ... ] You're wrong, though. If I had money, I'd bet on you being wrong. Maybe it's no skin off your nose to put a roof over her head or food in the fridge, but all a kid'll see is someone actually bothering to take the time. It...makes a difference. Makes someone care.

[ after all, hadn't that been the crux of the matter in luceti valley? a jack who'd actually tried to provide for his family, no matter how they'd ended up there. ]

[originaljackass]

... yeah, well, if you want to put it that way.

[He took in Clem for all the wrong reasons. And sure, he's fond of her, but he's wary of what exactly it is they have. Hell, what if he ends up letting her down like he did Gary? Or worse, like he did to his own son?

She'd be better off with just about anyone.]

[herotypical]

[ which means she'll have to settle for second place when it comes to liking him. ]

I would want to put it that way if I wasn't still so recently reminded of how much of a horse's patoot you are.

[originaljackass]

Whatever. I know you love me.

[Because that's easier than thinking about his complex relationship with some random kid he picked up.]

[herotypical]

I endure and tolerate you, Jack. There's a difference. But all the tea in China couldn't prompt me to back you up on this latest venture.

[originaljackass]

I swear, it's like I'm the only one trying to keep the peace in the bar. How'd you manage without me?

[herotypical]

By using my serious scolding voice. Duh.

[originaljackass]

You should scold Asch into being happier. See if that works.

[herotypical]

...Asch and I have a pre-arranged agreement.

[originaljackass]

... I don't want to know. [...] Do I want to know?

[herotypical]

Not like that, dumbass. Just that we agree that I won't push any uncomfortable boundaries and in return he'll try not to be a jerk. Really, you and I should work on something similar only you'll get to play both parts.

[originaljackass]

What's in it for me?

[herotypical]

The satisfaction that comes with growing as a person...?

[ or maybe first dibs on shifts for a week. either or. ]

[originaljackass]

Pass. I feel like I've grown as a person plenty.

[herotypical]

Let's face it. There's probably no price you'd name that I'd be willing to pay.

[originaljackass]

I figured. Business as usual, then.

[herotypical]

Unless...

[originaljackass]

... unless?

[herotypical]

I bet you couldn't go a week putting others before yourself. Not the big selfless gestures; I'm talking about tact and respect and not prescribing foolish answers to other people's problems. I'm talking about thinking with your brain instead of your other organ. And about holding a door open not 'cause you wanna score points with a hottie, but because it's the nice thing to do. Grossness -- outside the normal bounds of humour -- will not be tolerated.

But give me some glaring flaw of my own to iron out for a week and I'll win. Hell, I'd survive a whole month. You name it; I'll fix it. [ ... ] Within reason.

[originaljackass]

[That's all some pretty harsh guidelines. He cannot imagine himself doing any of those things, but by the same token, he doesn't want to just give up on it. So now he just has to think of something to pick out for her that would work. Something that seems like he's taking seriously, but that she'd never go for. Hm.]

Fine. But you gotta do the opposite. You go a month not trying to be Miss Perfect all the time. Say what you want, do what you can to get whatever you want, and don't lift a finger to help anyone. Also, no being all high and mighty like you're the expert on right and wrong. If you think someone is doing something wrong? You gotta keep it to yourself. And don't be afraid to flirt a little. Maybe indulge in some vulgar humor.

[herotypical]

First of all, I wouldn't call those things flaws. But...

[ sigh. would it be worth it just to see a change in horner? to perhaps give him a taste of doing the decent thing on a more regular basis? certainly, it might be better for clem... ]

Fine. Only I draw the line at flirtation and we can start once my pirate's back to his old self. I think if I tried to pull a Jekyll and Hyde on him right now, he'd have a nervous breakdown.

[originaljackass]

[... well shit. She's going for it. Well, maybe he can make it. But there needs to be stakes.]

Fine. But just as long as I'm allowed to flirt still. I can't be expected to deprive the babes of Luceti a shot at some time with me. [A beat.] So what do I get if I win?

[herotypical]

...It's not a competition. It's a challenge. You win the satisfaction of having done it. Y'know, like running a marathon or eating a whole pizza.

[originaljackass]

I can't say I'm feeling much incentive to follow through.