Ch. 11 - The return of the amazing and irresistible Jack of Fables

[originaljackass]

When Jack woke up half naked in the cold, his first thought was FUCK I JUST GOT STABBED.

After patting himself down, he realized he was in all his fleshy wonder. And how. Jack stood up and admired his impressive physique for the first time in years. He was human again! He was attractive! He would kiss someone if he could, but he was by himself. So he settled for kissing his bicep, which somehow managed to stay in shape even while he was being a slothful dragon. God, he loved being a Fable so damn much.

He proceeded to the village, walking barefoot in a winter forest with naught but a white pair of pants on. He didn't shiver or let it bother him. The cold never bothered him and he was enjoying having human flesh to feel anything with. So much better than scales. In fact, he even whistled happily some old tune he only half-remembered. Damn, life was really good sometimes.

First stop in the village was the Clothing Shop. He had no previous garments to look through, because dragons don't wear clothes. Anyway, he wanted to suit up. A man in a suit had power, undeniable power. And besides, he knew how good he looked in one. women couldn't resist. Conveniently, he found his briefcase there as well. So using its infinite capacity for storage, he loaded it up with extra clothes. It would save him a trip later on.

Then he stopped at Seventh Heaven where he ordered, oddly enough, a salad. The thought of meat made him a little nauseous still. He'd been eating cows (and maybe Gary's wife) whole for ten years now. Salad? Salad was friggin' delicious. He even stopped at the Grocery to grab some fruit and was amazed by how good it tasted. He tossed some fruit into his suitcase for later.

At the Smithy, he was just looking for a casual weapon to keep on his person for his own self protection. A knife, really. But he hadn't expected to find Excalibur, the same weapon that impaled him, to be waiting all pretty like for him. Deciding that no one can go wrong with a magic sword, he stuffed it inside his briefcase and moved on.

Last stop was in the evening for Cloud Nine. Time to reclaim the old business. He was really, really hoping it wasn't super lame now. That would suck the joy out of an otherwise perfect day.

[Voice]

Hey Luceti, looking good. Your old pal Jack Horner is back, better than ever. How's it been? Did you miss me? Damn is it good to be back here. Did you guys redecorate? Things look different. Kind of.

Hey Buffy, you still with that second-rate knock off of me? How about we climb in bed and you can slay me next? Or Saber, you could be my Once and Future Fling. Lightning, babe, how about we ignite that spark between us again. Aerith, let me offer some help with your gardening and do some deflowering. Karai, feel free to ninja your way between my sheets at your convenience. Saten, I'd love to explore your dark side, inch by inch. And Nami, you're Luceti's next top model, so just for you, I'll let you do the topping.

Damn, can I just say that I missed you guys? Well, you know, not while I was home. Didn't remember any of you. But holy hell am I glad to be back here again.

Comments

[originaljackass]

I never cared much for the guy. It's just been a long time since I had any, that's all. [But more importantly:] So where are you at? Coming to find me, maybe?

[herotypical]

Coming to find you, definitely. That was quite a verbal stunt you just pulled, and I don't think you deserve the traditional New Feather's exemption from a decent ass-kicking.

[originaljackass]

Oh, are you flirting back now?

[herotypical]

[ she pauses with only one boot laced up. ]

...You think that was me flirting? For reals? Do you not remember me? Or is your mouth-orgy clouding your powers of accurate recollection?

[originaljackass]

I recall our amazing chemistry together and some amazing nights of passion.

[herotypical]

You recall a damned dirty experiment. A Shift. A me that wasn't me and a you that was...

[ downright passable as a human being and not actually all that terrible of a life companion, really. but shifted-her was still going to leave him and she still harbours guilt over that fact.

great. ]

Slapping you is gonna be so damn satisfying.

[originaljackass]

You wouldn't hit a dead guy, would you?

[Yeah. No shame at all in using the dead card.]

1/2

[herotypical]

[ a moment of silence as the dead card registers. buffy laces up her second boot with a little less verve. ]

2/2

[herotypical]

...Hitting dead guys is kinda my raison d'etre. My purpose. My job.

[ she stands and has the book in hand once again, but some of the fight has gone out of her. she hates it when they're dead men walking. it makes it harder. ]

[originaljackass]

Touche. That hurts, Buffy. Right in the heart. Which is where I got impaled, incidentally.

[herotypical]

[ warily: ] Also, you might recall, part of my job description.

[ oh boo hiss. she shrugs her way clumsily into a jacket. ]

[originaljackass]

By my own son. What a world where you can't even trust family.

[Kind of like how Buffy was going to leave him.]

[herotypical]

Serves you right for not wrapping it before tapping it. [ this is said with an utter lack of conviction. her anger has deflated. even still, she cradles the journal in the crook of her arm as she leaves the house.

she's still coming to see him. she's just not sure why, anymore. ]

[originaljackass]

Hey, I tried to be good dad. Set him on a heroic path. It's not my fault that his mom kept him a secret.

[Okay, sure, maybe it was justified because he stole Lumi's powers, terrorized her kingdom, and then left without so much as an apology for breaking her heart and cheating on her. But it's the principle of the thing!]

[herotypical]

[ for better or worse, she believes it: he tried to be a good dad. hadn't that been the very crux of the issue come that long ago shift? buffy purses her lips and hikes up her shoulders against the wind.

and she decides not to say another word to him over the book, because she doesn't know what words she could possibly say. so she closes its cover with a gloved hand and -- instead -- soon finds herself sitting mechanically next to him on his chosen bench.

she doesn't quite look at him. not directly. but just enough... ] It's not really suit weather, y'know. Not yet.

[originaljackass]

[On the other hand, that moment of silence allowed Jack to go back to eating strawberries and any distress he felt, real or imagined, had been forgotten. He still had a few left and held out the carton for her to take one.]

It's always suit weather, pumpkin.

[herotypical]

Don't call me that.

[ quick. sharp. and an homage to the old days.

still pretty pissed but now morally unable to take it out on him, she instead tries to nab a strawberry from his pint. her gloved fingers swoop quickly to this purpose. ]

[originaljackass]

[That is familiar. It's nice having familiar things. Nostalgic, really. It reminds him of how he spent that decade wishing he was back in Fabletown again. Funny how he sometimes even found himself missing Bigby.]

I haven't had any of these in over ten years. Maybe longer. It was kind of hard keeping track of how long I was in that mountain.

[herotypical]

[ she bit into her stolen berry instead of answering immediately. to be honest, it isn't a half-bad berry. pretty delicious, in fact. it buys her the time to reflect on his words. ten years? a mountain?

of course, there'd been a bit of mountain-dwelling when he'd been here and he'd been a dragon and--

well. perhaps it's best not to jump to conclusions. ]

Ten years. Is that how long you've been gone, in your books?

[originaljackass]

In my books? [He gives her an incredulous look before continuing.] That whole dragon thing? Turns out it wasn't just a Malnosso fluke. Happened in the real world too. Only it took a lot longer before anyone came around to try and steal my gold.

[herotypical]

[ hmm. she surprises herself by having correctly intuited the whole dragon element. ]

What? Were they too frightened?

[originaljackass]

We were in Canada. Who would go ever go there willingly?

[herotypical]

And that's what I'm always saying. [ it takes her a moment to realize how quick she's been to agree with him, to take an interest, and to genuinely inquire about his life back home. blah. as if to punish herself for the slip-up, she frowns at the remaining strawberry half and gives it an ignominious flick. it flies through the air and tumbles down on a patch of yellowed and recently revealed grass. ]

Just so you know, you've been gone for, like, a year and a half.

[originaljackass]

Oh, is that all?

[That's chump change for him. He figured it might be longer. Although he decides he can use this for an opportunity;]

But you don't look like you aged a day. I mean, damn, you look good.

[herotypical]

...I moisturize.

[ but her head does turn and her eyes do finally catch his. she doesn't dare commit to words just how deeply she feels such a compliment -- even from a sleazeball like him. recently, she's felt thankful for the mere fact that stress hasn't made her age a year a minute.

it isn't as though her life is lacking compliments, of course. but there's always something almost venomous in jack horner's flattery. like how a bird of prey wouldn't chase a critter it didn't want to eat, she suspects he wouldn't say it if it wasn't true. this comforts her, albeit in a twisted manner. ]

Which is more than can probably be said for dragons. They don't seem all that big into face creams. Even still...

[ she trails off with a shrug. don't make her say it, horner. ]