Ch. 13 - There's no dating service quite like Jack of Fables

[originaljackass]

[Voice - Locked to Women]

Ladies, Jack Horner here. You may have seen my movie. If not, I work at Good Spirits, the local and only bar. We run a classy joint, but it's come to my attention that my good friend and fellow server of alcoholic beverages, has been going through a rough patch. This man has been going for far too long without a good and proper fucking. The man has no girlfriend and yet he continues to serve your drinks with no complaints. Oh sure, he's constantly scowling and he's about as pleasant as a cactus, but the point is: this man is rendering a service without asking for anything in return.

So I ask you ladies, who will take one for the team and give this man some action? Sure, he's sort of plain looking and in desperate need of a haircut, but he's not that bad. I mean, here, let me show you a picture.

[The video pans to a picture Jack managed to obtain that displays Asch the Bloody. See how sad he looks? How desperate he is for some action?]

This man's name is Asch. And he needs you.

Oh, for the record, I wouldn't be against a little extra action thrown my way. Not that I'm desperate or anything. Far from it. Just thought I'd offer.

Comments

[herotypical]

But...from you? [ seriously. this is almost worse than the notion that sparrow had once tried to teach dawn about wedding vegetables. ]

[originaljackass]

Who knows more about the subject than me?

[herotypical]

We've been through this before. The girl could benefit from a less...biased viewpoint.

[originaljackass]

Which rules you out.

[herotypical]

What? It's not like I'm a nun.

[originaljackass]

You're biased against me.

[herotypical]

[ she gives him a fairer cop than most do in this town, but she's not about to admit so. ]

Don't tell me you feel threatened by me and my oh-so-fearsome opinions.

[originaljackass]

They're very mean-spirited opinions. Sometimes they hurt. [He lied. In an oh so obvious playful manner.]

[herotypical]

As if yours are any more virtuous.

[originaljackass]

My opinions may not be virtuous, but they are legendary.

[herotypical]

...What is it with men and needing to be legendary?

[originaljackass]

I don't need to be. I already am. Jack of the Tales, remember?

[herotypical]

Sure. Back home. [ ... ] Your home. You're practically working from scratch, here.

[originaljackass]

Half the people in this dome are from Earth. That means a good number of them already know some of my tales. I'd say that ain't too bad a start.

[herotypical]

...But do they care?

[originaljackass]

Do you care?

[herotypical]

...No.

[originaljackass]

A liar knows another liar, pumpkin.

[herotypical]

Puh-lease. What reason would I have to care?

[originaljackass]

Because you care about me more than anyone else in town does.

[herotypical]

[ a hard swallow. buffy doesn't like being told how she feels, even when the telling of it rings so true. ] Is that so? What about Clem?

[originaljackass]

I'm pretty sure she likes the pig more than me.

[herotypical]

...The pig is pretty darn cute.

[originaljackass]

If you say so. At least he doesn't talk like the other pigs I know.

[herotypical]

[ ... ] You're wrong, though. If I had money, I'd bet on you being wrong. Maybe it's no skin off your nose to put a roof over her head or food in the fridge, but all a kid'll see is someone actually bothering to take the time. It...makes a difference. Makes someone care.

[ after all, hadn't that been the crux of the matter in luceti valley? a jack who'd actually tried to provide for his family, no matter how they'd ended up there. ]