originaljackass | Ch. 13 - There's no dating service quite like Jack of Fables

[Voice - Locked to Women]

Ladies, Jack Horner here. You may have seen my movie. If not, I work at Good Spirits, the local and only bar. We run a classy joint, but it's come to my attention that my good friend and fellow server of alcoholic beverages, has been going through a rough patch. This man has been going for far too long without a good and proper fucking. The man has no girlfriend and yet he continues to serve your drinks with no complaints. Oh sure, he's constantly scowling and he's about as pleasant as a cactus, but the point is: this man is rendering a service without asking for anything in return.

So I ask you ladies, who will take one for the team and give this man some action? Sure, he's sort of plain looking and in desperate need of a haircut, but he's not that bad. I mean, here, let me show you a picture.

[The video pans to a picture Jack managed to obtain that displays Asch the Bloody. See how sad he looks? How desperate he is for some action?]

This man's name is Asch. And he needs you.

Oh, for the record, I wouldn't be against a little extra action thrown my way. Not that I'm desperate or anything. Far from it. Just thought I'd offer.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ um ]

You mean, sparring? That kind of action?

[ THAT'S WHAT HE MEANS RIGHT ]

No, no he does not- and I think this is something that you and I should discuss elsewhere, later. It ties into vulgarities and a great deal of what I outlined and highlighted in the book I loaned you.

[ So it has to do with...well, she's not sure. That book sure covered a lot of different themes. ]

It has to do with...stealing a loaf of bread?

Sex and prostitution, Rapunzel. Why don't we meet, have a cup of tea, and I'll walk you through it.

Whoa. Nobody said anything about prostitution here.

A theme covered in the book, Monsieur. Though what you are doing for your friend is terribly close to prostituting him. For his own benefit, as you say, but very close.

Hardly. This is just a sexual favor. You don't get more innocent than that.

But if you're planning on turning that girl into a prostitute, you've got another thing coming. I didn't walk her through the birds and the bees so you could go twisting her mind around.

...There has been a gross miscommunication here, I suspect. I've no intention of making her into anything. I would thank you to not infer as much.

Good. Great. Let's keep it that way. But if I find her selling herself on a street corner in a month, I know who to come looking for.

Honestly, Monsieur- fuck you.

[Welp. This woman is probably trouble. He'll have to keep an eye out on her, in case she's out to corrupt the innocent.

He'll have to warn Clementine.]

Oh, yes! I'd love to meet you for tea.

[ Oh, and learning about the other stuff would probably be useful. ]

I think it would be best to do so whenever you are available. My day is, at current, quite open.

Mine as well! I could meet you in an hour?

That sounds excellent. I shall see you then.

Not quite, kiddo. The more intimate kind.

[ Intimate action... ]

Oooooh. I see what you mean.

[ He means... ]

You want someone to braid his hair.

No. Sex. Someone needs to have sex with him.

[ So yeah some things Mother Gothel sure never told her about. ]

Isn't that whether someone's a girl or a boy...?

Oh boy, kiddo, you don't know what sex is? Or, hell, where babies come from?

Sure I do! They come from mothers.

[ OBVIOUSLY ]

And how do you think they get in there?

I just thought they showed up in a mother's stomach when two people are ready to start a family. Is that not...right?

Alright, let me break it down for you, kiddo. First off, babies do come from the mom, sure. That's because mama is full of all these eggs just waiting to become babies, but they don't turn into babies unless papa shoots some of his sticky white seed in her. But the only way to do that is if he puts his penis-- [He pauses as he realizes that this girl may have never seen a guy naked.]

You know what that is, right?

[ There is a whole lot of strange plant imagery going on in her head. And what's this about eggs? She is like 99% sure she doesn't have eggs in her. ]

Um...no. Is it bread?

voice;

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