Ch. 13 - There's no dating service quite like Jack of Fables

[originaljackass]

[Voice - Locked to Women]

Ladies, Jack Horner here. You may have seen my movie. If not, I work at Good Spirits, the local and only bar. We run a classy joint, but it's come to my attention that my good friend and fellow server of alcoholic beverages, has been going through a rough patch. This man has been going for far too long without a good and proper fucking. The man has no girlfriend and yet he continues to serve your drinks with no complaints. Oh sure, he's constantly scowling and he's about as pleasant as a cactus, but the point is: this man is rendering a service without asking for anything in return.

So I ask you ladies, who will take one for the team and give this man some action? Sure, he's sort of plain looking and in desperate need of a haircut, but he's not that bad. I mean, here, let me show you a picture.

[The video pans to a picture Jack managed to obtain that displays Asch the Bloody. See how sad he looks? How desperate he is for some action?]

This man's name is Asch. And he needs you.

Oh, for the record, I wouldn't be against a little extra action thrown my way. Not that I'm desperate or anything. Far from it. Just thought I'd offer.

Comments

[action]

[strangelyliteral]

"How do you know what counts or not? You didn't even know she existed."

[action]

[originaljackass]

"I'm just saying, every firstborn kid is an 'only child' until the next one pops out. So it doesn't count."

[action]

[strangelyliteral]

"Oh, it wasn't like that. She didn't exist until the monks made her."

[action]

[originaljackass]

Jack's jaw momentarily went slack before he replied. "The who made the what now?"

[action]

[strangelyliteral]

"Dawn. It's - look, if Buffy didn't even tell you that much? Then I'm pretty sure I shouldn't."

Re: [action]

[originaljackass]

"I'll just have to ask for myself, then." Realizing he was spending this date talking about Buffy, he changed the subject. "So what about you? You're not a slayer, vampire or monk are you?"

[action]

[strangelyliteral]

"Nope. No power, no fangs, no weird chants. Kind of a raw deal." One that sometimes felt too close and too raw for comfort, even in a place that lacked excitement like this. "What about you?"

[action]

[originaljackass]

"Fable," Jack answered with particular satisfaction. "Immortal and practically unkillable. And with all the perks that come with it."

[action]

[strangelyliteral]

"So you're not human. Or a demon." She attempts to process that description, moving her head to get a better look at him. "But what exactly is a Fable? Isn't that like, a story or something? I'm not exactly up to date on those."

[action]

[originaljackass]

"Oh, I'm still human. See, where I come from, we call ourselves Fables to distinguish yourself from the Mundies. That'd be the people who come from theMundane world. Earth. Us Fables seem to have a way of getting caught up in their imaginations. For instance, me? I got one called Jack and the Beanstalk. It's one of my more popular tales."

[action]

[strangelyliteral]

"So the worlds sort of exist together, except for the part where they don't? Kind of like another dimension?" She's trying here. His lingo is still a little lost on her, but then again, so was most of the crowd's back home.

[action]

[originaljackass]

"What, the Homelands? They all exist in their own places. Call it what you want: dimensions or whatever. We just went to the Mundy world to avoid war. Ironic, right?" The Mundies loved war too. In fact, they'd mastered it in a way that other worlds couldn't begin to imagine.

[action]

[strangelyliteral]

"... If you are talking about Earth, war is their thing. In some way or other." She should know, having helped jump start the Russian Revolution. "So how well did you avoid that?"

[action]

[originaljackass]

"Me? I did a few wars myself. Some willingly, others not so much. Generally, I prefer not to get involved."

[action]

[strangelyliteral]

"Wars don't tend to take people's preferences into the equation."

[action]

[originaljackass]

"Maybe not, but it doesn't mean there aren't ways out of them. At least back there. Here? Not so much."

[action]

[strangelyliteral]

"I've heard a little about that." Not anything she's looking forward to being dragged into, her most recent battle still ever prevalent in her mind. "Sounds real messy."

[action]

[originaljackass]

"And they don't stay dead. It's a bitch and a half. Just glad I ain't gotta be out there all the time."

[action]

[strangelyliteral]

"I hope I can avoid it. For as long as possible."

[action]

[originaljackass]

"There was one just before you showed up. If things still operate the way I remember them, you should be in the clear for a little while."

[action]

[strangelyliteral]

"Lucky me. Were you in the last one?"

[action]

[originaljackass]

"Nope. Managed to sit that one out. Apparently it was on some sky fortress and they all got their asses kicked."

Clearly this wouldn't have happened if Jack was there.

[action]

[strangelyliteral]

"Sounds brutal." Not like anything she wanted to be a part of. "How long have you been here, again?"

[action]

[originaljackass]

"I was here about eight months before. That was about two years ago, in Luceti time. I came back two months ago." What he didn't mention was how a decade passed between his trips to Luceti.

[action]

[strangelyliteral]

"That sounds confusing. Here I thought you might have been one of the longer stays." Just by virtue of how on top of things he seemed to be. But maybe that was just the way Mr. Fables wanted to present himself.