Ch. 12 - Hollywood was just waiting for Jack of Fables

[originaljackass]

[Today, Jack Horner returned from his mission feeling rather smug. It was more work than it was worth, but Jack had returned with a set of DVDs for the Jack Tales. He may have lost every cent from the trilogy thanks to that bastard Beast from Fabletown, but he still had the movies and that was all that mattered. So after proudly bragging about them to Buffy at the bar, he plugs the first movie into her DVD player and then positions his journal to provide all of Luceti with a video stream of the first movie:

The Jack Tales I: Jack and the Beanstalk.
((ooc: the above link has info on the movie, a synopsis, and the cast of the movie. If you have questions, you can reply to that post.))

After the three hour movie is over, he turns the journal over to himself.]

That's part one of my life story. Pretty amazing, right? Of course, it was way better in real life, but Hollywood can only do so much. I'll wait 'til I show you the next one, though. Back home, people had to wait a whole year. But I think a month ought to do.

[For non-movie related shenanigans, Jack can be found at Good Spirits at 10PM after the movie is over, serving up drinks and doing general bartender-y type things.]

(OoC: The voice part is open for threadjacking! Feel free to have people talk about the movie to one another or what have you. Jack won't necessarily reply to everything!)

Comments

[herotypical]

A less guarded girl would have stretched her foot across that cushiony gap and given her conversation partner a playful toe-nudge. But Buffy was oh so rarely any less guarded than Fort Knox, emotionally speaking. So instead she merely smirked in the wake of another sip.

"This is why you're supposed to leave a box of saltines in the lower corner cupboard. A block of cheese in one of the short-accessible fridge compartments. You should have had a contingency plan in place."

[originaljackass]

He snapped his fingers and shook his head wistfully.

"I'll have to remember that next time. Who knew kids would be so hard?"

[herotypical]

"It doesn't get actually tough until they start sneaking out their bedroom windows and hiding their diaries under false floorboards."

[originaljackass]

"I'm getting rid of her the moment she hits puberty. I ain't got time for that."

[herotypical]

Buffy laughed.

"Kids aren't like cars. You don't get to trade them in when they get too old to handle. Sometimes, you can't even pick at what age you get stuck with them."

Remember? After all, their 'marriage' had come on the back of an unexpected familyhood. Even Buffy's more authentic experiences jived with her philosophy, as she'd been forced to step into guardianhood shoes with a very volatile teenaged Dawn.

[originaljackass]

"It's Luceti, pumpkin. How many kids are age thirteen and living alone already? She'd manage."

He was being honest here, though it was hard to tell with how causally he lied about everything. He had never actually considered sticking with Clementine for all that long. One she lost the cute kid factor, what good was she to him?

[herotypical]

"But they shouldn't have to. Manage, I mean. I know this place is practically made with cushioned corners and safety scissors but -- I dunno. Call me old fashioned, but I think even teenagers should have some sort of family. I'm not saying they need the whole nuclear package; I didn't. But they shouldn't be alone."

She paused for another drink of wine, then: "Aaaand you can go right on ahead and stop calling me that."

[originaljackass]

He drank some more from his bottle while she spoke and, as ever, ignored her protest.

"Well there's no shortage of brats to choose from. Sure, I managed to pinch one of the younger ones, but there's still plenty you could have for yourself."

[herotypical]

Cue the hypocrisy: "I'm...not sure that would be the bestest of plans, Horner. I really was talking about other way more responsible people stepping up to the plate. Y'know, people who aren't me."

[originaljackass]

"So you meant me."

Jack Horner. The most responsible person in Luceti.

"Well I already got one. I mean, sure, I could take in Win again, but she looks full grown to me."

[herotypical]

"Whoa. Slow down, Mother Hubbard. I think you have some levelling up to do before you start opening your very own Luceti's Home for Homeless Children."

[originaljackass]

"Add that to the list of things that will never happen."

[herotypical]

"Thank God. Because I think if it did, I'd have to create an entire Child Services department here in town just so I could them on you. And that sounds like an awful lot of work for so much petty doubt."

[originaljackass]

He frowned at her, shook his head, and silently downed a bit more beer. He had more than a few quips he could have responded with, but it was making him vaguely uncomfortable as he thought about this whole situation he'd got himself into with Clementine. When it came down to it, he felt responsible for her. He hated responsibility.

So he changed the subject after some silence. "So, self righteous hero types, huh? You mad that they revoked your membership card?"

[herotypical]

"What?"

She glanced up from her wide-mouthed wine glass, taking a fair few seconds to trace his observation back to its source. "Oh? No. I mean -- there are no membership cards. And if there was, I don't even know where I'd fall in relation to everyone else. There are some colourful characters around here who can make Slayer strength look like parlour tricks."

Being outgunned was hardly the problem. The problem fell somewhere nearer the mark of her no longer knowing how to be an efficacious good guy in a town where she was needed less and less for her muscles and more and more for her own emotional merits. Not a niche she was accustomed to fulfilling.

[originaljackass]

"Been there, done that. Hence the movies and the power boost. But I didn't realize you were big on the whole muscle thing."

He knew she was tough, sure. But he didn't ever think of her as competitive about it.

[herotypical]

"Spend ten years using your fists to solve almost every problem that comes your way and then try not to be big on the whole muscle thing." Her voice was light. Casual. Allowing him his assumption.

Except: "There aren't a lot of handbooks telling Slayers how to retire gracefully. That's all. For one thing, most of us tend retire violently instead."

[originaljackass]

"I spent centuries using this to solve my problems." Jack tapped the old thinker. Truth be told, he never liked getting into fights that were straight up brawls. Not until recently, anyway. Giants were easy pickings for him because they were so easy to outsmart.

"Anyway, you're too young for retirement. You're not even wrinkly yet. Hell, you might not get wrinkly at all. You certainly seem like Fable material to me."

[herotypical]

His disarming compliments -- if they could ever really be construed as such -- should never strike her so soundly as they often do. But they do. They oh so very do. And often without fail.

It's enough to soften her tone: "It's not about age. It's about...relevance. If I try and be the big damn hero, I feel guilty for not being there for the people I care about. If I'm there for the people I care about, I feel guilty for not being the big damn hero. Such is my impasse. I dunno. It just hits all that harder when you've spent the last week alone in a house with two cats and a dog you're pretty sure is stealing your necklaces."

[originaljackass]

"Babe, you gotta cut yourself some slack. Hero work around here is short and in between. Hell, why do you think I took the kid in? After that whole dragon business, I gotta work my way back into karma's good graces. Normally I'd go feed a homeless guy or something, but the only Big Damn Hero moments I'm getting around here is making the kid feel like she's safe going to sleep."

He took a sip of beer and then added: "And banging hot chicks. That's pretty heroic of me, too."

[herotypical]

"...Is that really all it is?"

If she was honest, Jack's pseudo-adoption had been nagging at her ever since she'd first learned of it. Most of her accepted the bald-faced fact that Jack Horner rarely did what didn't benefit his own damn self. She accused him of such behaviour on a nigh-nightly basis at the bar. But the most persistent edges of her judgement wanted to believe in change. Wanted to believe that he wasn't just using a cute kid to gain popularity points.

[originaljackass]

"Not all of it. Chicks dig responsible guys. Especially single dads."

[herotypical]

"We do?"

She asked, damn well already certain of the answer. It was Horner's curious choice to take the girl in that had Buffy's curiousity all up in a twist. And it had been rare haunting glimpses into Sparrow's tender care for even an imagined child that had impressed her so deeply.

"News to me."

[originaljackass]

He shrugged nonchalantly.

"Your Slayer mojo must mess with your maternal instincts."

[herotypical]

...Because that was exactly what she -- hip deep in her own crisis of personal faith -- was hoping to hear. She went almost bug-eyed for a moment.

"Probably. I worked for a guy whose mother was a Slayer. Hello, issues."