Ch. 13 - There's no dating service quite like Jack of Fables

[originaljackass]

[Voice - Locked to Women]

Ladies, Jack Horner here. You may have seen my movie. If not, I work at Good Spirits, the local and only bar. We run a classy joint, but it's come to my attention that my good friend and fellow server of alcoholic beverages, has been going through a rough patch. This man has been going for far too long without a good and proper fucking. The man has no girlfriend and yet he continues to serve your drinks with no complaints. Oh sure, he's constantly scowling and he's about as pleasant as a cactus, but the point is: this man is rendering a service without asking for anything in return.

So I ask you ladies, who will take one for the team and give this man some action? Sure, he's sort of plain looking and in desperate need of a haircut, but he's not that bad. I mean, here, let me show you a picture.

[The video pans to a picture Jack managed to obtain that displays Asch the Bloody. See how sad he looks? How desperate he is for some action?]

This man's name is Asch. And he needs you.

Oh, for the record, I wouldn't be against a little extra action thrown my way. Not that I'm desperate or anything. Far from it. Just thought I'd offer.

Comments

[voice]

[strangelyliteral]

[Oh.

This guy.

She had almost forgotten about that rain check.]

Is this what you do to make your own excitement?

[voice]

[originaljackass]

I have plenty of my own excitement already, babe. I'm trying to arrange some for someone else.

[voice]

[strangelyliteral]

By the sound of it, a very unsuspecting someone else.

[voice]

[originaljackass]

Great, isn't it? Assuming I find the right woman for him, he's gonna be as happy as a clam.

[voice]

[strangelyliteral]

And if you don't? Sounds like a poor lady just might get pricked.

[voice]

[originaljackass]

If I don't, poor Asch will just have to go without in his miserable and not very interesting existence.

[voice]

[strangelyliteral]

So he'd only be more interesting to you if he was dating someone? Is this for some kind of voyeurism?

[voice]

[originaljackass]

No, I just want him to be easier to work with. It's like working with the Big Bad Wolf.

[voice]

[strangelyliteral]

He'll huff and puff and blow the bar down?

[voice]

[originaljackass]

No. Just scowl and act like he can do whatever the hell he wants.

[voice]

[strangelyliteral]

So you're jealous that he can and you can't?

[voice]

[originaljackass]

Not at all. I do whatever the hell I want, but I do it with a smile.

[voice]

[strangelyliteral]

Then maybe you should work out your differences with him instead of trying to get a woman to do it for you.

[voice]

[originaljackass]

Hey, hey, hey. It's not like that. I'm trying to help him.

[voice]

[strangelyliteral]

Sounds like you're just trying to get a lady in trouble so you can bask in the entertainment value of it all.

[voice]

[originaljackass]

I'd be far more entertained being with said lady.

[voice]

[strangelyliteral]

But you're asking this for your own benefit in the end, right?

[voice]

[originaljackass]

I ask out of the kindness of my heart. I saw a man in pain and decided to reach out.

[voice]

[strangelyliteral]

By possibly causing a woman pain and potential embarrassment?

[voice]

[originaljackass]

You'll have to explain to me where the pain comes in. It's not like this guy is packing or anything.

[voice]

[strangelyliteral]

No, but he's grumpy and prickly like a cactus. He might be put off by any act of charity thrown his way, which is exactly how you're trying to sell him as.

[voice]

[originaljackass]

He'll say no, not stab someone for offering.

[voice]

[strangelyliteral]

Let's hope so, for your sake.

[voice]

[originaljackass]

[...]

Don't you owe me a dinner date? [He needs to cash in. Last time he got one, the woman went and vanished on him.]

[voice]

[strangelyliteral]

I got busy. [And then unbusy. Overwhelmed mostly.] But now I am not busy.